Totally Certifiable.

Before I divulge into the erratic travesty that has become my mind, I'll give a brief update. Things that have happened since my last post; prom, college orientation, and my irreparable tail-spin to past me. I guess you could say that prom was the ignition point to my madness, so I'll begin from there! Prom. Probably one of the most memorable nights in one's high school career, and I spent it with one of my best friends as my date. In theory this seemed like a fantastic idea, but boy did it have one nice domino effect! If you used to like said prom date at any point in time and now have some awkward "flirtationship" going on, I would not recommend doing what I did! I don't regret prom at all, in fact it was a really fun night and was a great excuse to get dressed up and talk to friends I lost touch with. But not only did I reconnect with those old friends, I reconnected with a part of myself I left behind and would like to leave behind for good. He was the definition of a perfect gentlemen, well except for the fact that he was flirting with one of my friends and proceeded to get her number once we got off the busses back home. It felt like a punch in the gut. I don't have feelings for him like that anymore, and thank god for that one, but it hurt. Why would he have to go after another one of my friends considering what happened last time? Why would he do that on the night of my prom of all nights? According to another one of my best friends, they had a nice long conversation about me. Personally, I think he likes the fact that I used to like him and he purposely screws with my head so I'll fall head first into oblivion, but thats besides the point. She says that he, for the millionth time, commented on how pretty I looked and got jealous that I was talking to another guy, and that wouldn't have bothered me if it wasn't coupled with some other statements. When she mentioned how he should, for lack of a better phrase, "go for me," he responded with, "she's too good for me." Regardless of my feelings for him or not, no one can decide who I'm too good or not good enough for except for myself, and that should be a discussed thing. But anyways, I will admit I didn't spend the majority of my time with him, but that was because it was too hard. Every time I looked at him I saw the guy who was hitting on my friends, the guy that will talk about me with my friends but not to me, and the guy who always gets me tangled up in his charm. To say that least, the last two weeks have been nothing short of tortuous for me. I'm sick of having him treat me like I'm more than a friend with some actions, and then watch/hear him go after other girls. It's also even more unfair because he said he doesn't like it when I talk about other guys in front of him, but he's allowed to go in depth about girls in front of me? I feel like theres a double standard at the moment, and that my only role in this friendship is to pine over him and boost his ego. I feel so manipulated and used and just tired. I'm scared out of my mind that I'll have feelings for him again, and he's making it difficult with tickle attacks, walks in the rain, and dinners. I just want that guy best friend that I've always dreamed of. I wish he could tell me what he's thinking, or that someone would find out the truth and just tell me. I feel so lost and confused that I just want to cry, and I never thought he'd make me feel this way ever again. If he does have feelings for me, which everyone keeps telling me, or better yet yelling at me, that he does, I just would like to hear it from him so we can deal with it. I hate not knowing, and it's turning me into the girl I was a mere few months ago. Hell I've even veered off my diet and exercise regimen just from the stress. I feel like I'm regressing and the only thing I know how to do when things get like this are to cut myself off and make a drastic appearance change. I don't want to do either, but I feel like I'm in the open ocean and forgotten how to swim. I feel like there's no one I can talk to about this anymore because the usual suspects I go to are either too busy, too involved with him, or just tell me what they think should happen regardless of how I feel. I met these  new guys at after prom that seem like the perfect distraction, but what if I let them distract me too much and do something I'll regret?  My only saving grace has been my college orientation, which I just had the other day, and it made me feel more comfortable than ever with my school choice. I made a great friend and can't wait to go back in the summer. I just wish someone would throw me a life saver and drag me ashore. I may as well go check myself in somewhere because I feel completely, and undeniably, totally certifiable.