I Would Laugh If It Wasn't So Sad

When I woke up this morning, I had experienced the strangest dream. In said dream you told me how you've been feeling since all of this and you even cried. Now, I've never seen you cry, so it was strange, but my reaction was the strangest part. I didn't care. My words to you were, "I shouldn't have to say 'I'm sorry,' I did nothing, but tell you the truth." Your response? "You broke my heart; I realized I had fallen in love, and once you said those things, it was over." I thought that those were the words I had wanted to hear for so long, but it's actually not what I wanted to hear after all. I wanted you to tell me that you have never met anyone like me before and not having me in your life would you. That I was a friend you held so close to your heart, I could do something terrible and you'd still love me. I would want you to tell me that you would never judge me, and you never want me to feel like I'm not good enough because I'm more than enough. If you had said that I would've stayed, but you didn't. I don't know how you are, or how you feel about all of this, but I want to know. I want to know that I meant something to you, if anything at all because knowing this would make a difference. After replaying the dream again and again in my mind once I was awake, I collected my thoughts and the high school montage DVDs I had made and got in my car to deliver them. I even made one for each of my two ex-best friends since they are in the whole thing! I didn't intend for it to be a symbol of friendship, or really anything, I just believed that they were a big part of my life and should have a copy regardless of our friendship status. The funny part is, they both texted me thanking me for the montage! Of course one was friendlier than the other, seeing as she asked me to lunch in order to talk, but they both acknowledged it to me, and even though it was uncomfortable talking to them directly, it was still nice. Except for the fact I will never be friends with them again. All I could think of in my mind was that night at the beach and how terribly they had treated me. I have moved past it, but a part of me can still look back on those days and feel utterly betrayed. I've made a lot of mistakes this year and each of them has affected me, whether for better or for worse. My recurrent themes seemed to be forgiveness, second chances, and the ever present notion that people don't change. People can change the things they do, but they can never change who they are; that my friends is written in stone. I was foolish to think they could. People who don't know this would even say that my personality has changed a lot this year, but I would disagree. I am still the same girl I always was, but she's not the side I present to the world anymore. There have always been parts of me that were cynical, hateful, bitter, sad, and angry, but I never expressed them. Now, I have no choice but to protect my better half of self by weeding out those not willing to work past the rough exterior and reach the girl they've come to know well. This year my wall has saved me from many people just trying to take my heart for granted and I owe it so much. It truly is funny how, as I've mentioned before, when someone walks out of your life another walks right in. That is the lesson I've predominantly learned this year. The only people I want in my life are the ones willing to fight to stay there. You never fought, you never tried, you left. Now I'm rediscovering friendships and self-respect that I have never found before. My foolishness regarding you would normally bring me to a hearty laughter; however, you still walked all over my heart and all over my trust and that is truly a tragedy.