This past week/weekend was one of those times where you look back on it and think; was that really me? There are a lot of things that I do that I'm not proud of, but there are a lot of things I do that I am proud of. I just don't want to let you down, and I know if I told you what I've done, and what I'm doing you won't look at me the same. That light in your eyes will just disappear, and all those times that you said you'd always be there would be absent. I just feel so lost. Things were so good for so long, or were they? I feel the most confident I have in a very long time, but that's never enough. Before I had you, and I still do, but you're not here with me. I'm surrounded by so many people and I've never felt so alone in my life. No one can relate to me, or how I feel. Sure everyone has some sort of idea because all people feel pain, but not my brand of it. Unless you've lived life through my eyes and my skin you don't understand. And I know that you won't. When I try to explain it, you deflect me with a compliment, or a line. I don't want a line, or a compliment, I want something more. I want to be loved. I want to be understood. I just want something more than what I have here and now. I know that's a lot to ask, but I don't just want it. I need it. There's an extreme emptiness in my heart, and the more I try to forget it or fill it, the more things I do to get to you. The closer I get, the further you move. I feel myself changing with the tides. My mind and heart washed over and changed like the grooves of the sand. The waves are growing higher and I'm growing colder. Some of the things that I'm saying and doing are not who I always pictured myself being. My own thoughts are betraying the ideals I've always known. I don't know what's happening and I know you don't understand, but right now all I need is you. So next time you're on the beach, look for the "I miss you" in the sand, and think of me.
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