Today Doesn't Exist.

Today isn't real. If today doesn't exist, than everything that is my reality ceases to be. The wall I've built for the memories, the emotions, the pain, came thundering down. I feel sick. There's so much I know now that I didn't a few months ago; how one person can significantly change your life. I was the closest thing to her, and when at our darkest hours I gave up, it had more repercussions than I believed. Hearing her tell me how horrible it was and how bad it had gotten made me want to die. How could I be so cruel? Am I that bad of a person to cause someone I loved so much pain? I pushed her away and didn't even realize how badly I had hurt her. And now I've done it again. I've locked up my real feelings, found an excuse, closed my eyes, and pushed. I don't know how to feel. If she feels the way the other used to feel, I couldn't bear it. Now more than ever I realize how precious life is, and how without warming people can be taken away from you. You knew everything. EVERYTHING. Being vulnerable, exposed, emotionally raw for an eye to see is my worst fear, and you saw me. You knowingly took my vulnerability and killed me with it. I don't want to ever feel that way again, and to be honest I probably wouldn't make it through a second time. My head tells me to do one thing, but my heart wants to shield itself. I don't know what to decide and no one can help me. I lost my true self. I no longer exist. Just like what soon will be tomorrow.