I made a deal with my demons; now they've come to collect

I feel so lost. Like everything around me is wrong. I feel this ache in my heart and a pounding in my head. I want it all to stop. I'm beginning to lose myself in the days and moments so much so that I don't even know who I am anymore or what I want. I haven't cried in a long time and tonight I'm just way overdue. I feel this giant rock of pressure over me and it starting to get too heavy. Everyday I fight with myself over how I want my life to be and it's blossoming into a war. I'm not okay, I'm not happy, and I'm not ready for all of the future that is to come. I was starting to have such a great summer. I was feeling more confident and collected, but then something happened and I haven't been able to control myself since. It was almost like a wall came down in my head. I never even knew it was there until it let in what it was trying so hard to keep out. Maybe it's not real. Maybe it was just something my head cooked up. I just have these new found images in my head that I have no idea what to do with. I remember a moose head on the wall. I remember a cool thingy-ma-jig on his desk that filled with goo and when you turned it over the other side began to fill. I remember walking into that office everyday and having to take off my clothes. I remember asking my mom to switch doctors and to never have a man again. I remember my elementary school teaching putting his hand down my pants and up my shirt. I remember kissing him on the cheek, but kissing him nonetheless. I wish I never remembered any of these things. I wish they never happened. I wish that these things didn't make me so self conscious. I hate how these things make me distrust any man I know. And I hate that I feel like I am never good enough. I feel so helpless and I don't know what to do anymore. Most days I just stay home and ignore all my friends because it's easier to not explain why I feel so sad than to tell them how I really feel. I feel like I have no control of my life anymore, if I ever had it in the first place.I don't know if what is in my head is real and that's the scariest part of it all. I can't tell the difference between wishful thinking, dreams, reality and nightmares. But that's what this is for; letting it out. I don't know what scares me more, the possibility that what I remember isn't true, is true, or that my mind would make it up. Society tells us not to be too fat, or too thin, or too dark, or too light; don't be too sexual, or too chaste, or too smart, or too dumb. Be yourself. But make sure you fit in. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, or if I ever did.