My So-Called Life

I don't even know where I stand today; right here, right now, in this moment. There have been so many little battles with myself lately I feel like they'll last forever. I constantly find myself trying to compete with other people. So to add to the war against myself, I'm at war with all the others. The worst part about this is that I always do this to myself. I always come out on top, but the collateral damage is always shocking. I tend to push everyone close to me really far away, as to distort their view of myself and therefore their judgements. I feel that tugging on my heart everyday when I say that comment with attitude and sarcasm. I feel it when I lie to get out of plans with someone just so I can sit around and sulk. I feel it when I drive around in circles for hours just crying wishing I could just talk to that one person, but I don't want that person to be anyone. I don't want to depend on someone else. I don't want to feel vulnerable. I don't want you to see me weaker than I am, or not as strong as you believe me to be. I live my life by many mantras, but one of my most followed rules is that if someone lies to me about something I find important we're done. It's funny because i am the biggest liar of them all. I lie to myself everyday. I lie to you everyday. I am the biggest fake out there because I feel i need to be to survive. I have an instinctual need to lie. Maybe that's why I hate being lied to. Maybe that's because I hate lying to myself and that makes me project it onto other people. I'm not a scientist, or a doctor, but this I do know; I'm changing and I'm changing fast. If my conscience can't keep up, there is going to be a lot of anger and lot of collateral damage. Look out friends the Swiffer's coming through! If you're not careful you might be left behind in the dirt.